Reasonable Parenting – Ephesians 6:1-4

Ephesians 6:1-4 – Building up the Family

Here are some select phrases from Ephesians 4-6.

• Walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called (4:1)
• Put on the new self (4:24)
• Be imitators of God (5:1)
• Walk in love (5:2)
• Walk as children of light (5:8)
• Be filled with the Spirit (5:18)

Following Christ means a new direction. A major part of that is the family. In Ephesians 5, Paul discusses the husband/wife relationship. Today, we look at the parent/child relationship.

Whether you are a child, a teen, a parent, or have a parent, I believe God has something for you from the passage.

Ephesians 6:1-4 – Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

I. To the children

A. Obey

This verse is specifically for children (don’t worry, I will get to your parents later).

I know you have heard it before. Your parents likely remind you of it. Your Sunday School teachers likely remind you of it.

They do this for a reason. Your number one responsibility is obedience to parents. It is given to you by God.

This verse says, “obey your parents in the Lord.” The word “obey” here is to “stand under.” In some Scriptures, it is used as a military term for a soldier obeying orders. You are to place yourself under your parents’ authority because God wants you to.

God established the family. He designed the parent-child relationship. He caused us to be born as tiny, little things and then slowly grow up under our parents’ supervision. In this environment, we learn almost everything. How to crawl, walk, talk, and eat. And everything else. Every one of us has gone through this process.

It is not easy. Listening to others and following rules can be very hard. Which one of us as children didn’t dream of the time when we would be free and could make all of our own choices?

I will say that some adults also dream of the time when they were a child and were free and didn’t have many responsibilities!

One of the biggest temptations you will face in life is that your parents are the “bad guys.” Many movies also portray the parents, especially the father, as the dumb guy with dumb rules.

In the first temptation, the enemy convinced Eve that God’s rules were bad. He told her that disobeying God and eating the fruit would be good. He told her that God was the bad guy, that God’s rule was unfair and kept them from something good. He was lying. God made the rule for their good.

Your parents are not perfect. No one is. But they love you and care for you. They are the good guys. They are on your side. They are the ones cheering you on, in sports and in life. The rules they make and the boundaries they set are for your good.

When I was a kid, I didn’t want a bedtime. I didn’t like housework, homework, or green vegetables. If the choice were given to me, I probably would have stayed up late all night eating Doritos.

I think in your heart, you all know that rules are important, even though sometimes you fight against them. One way I know that you agree is that you think your parents should have rules for your brothers and sisters. My kids sometimes come to me and tell me, “You should make my sister do her chores,” or “my brother is staying up past his bedtime.” They think rules are a great idea for their siblings and want to make sure they are made to follow them strictly.

God has put you into your family for a reason. If you can learn to obey your parents, then it will also help you learn to obey God.
But submitting to your parents’ authority is not easy. One of the first words we learn as kids is “No” or “bu yao.” That is the sin nature inside of us.

Learning to submit to authority is something we all need to do. Parents also need to submit to authority, work, the police, and others. It is best to start early.

Challenge to kids –

I asked my son, “Why should you obey your parents?” He immediately responded, “Because God says so.” Good answer. As long as it is “in the Lord” and not a sinful thing, you should obey. If you think it is unreasonable, you can discuss it with them, but in a humble and respectful way.

Otherwise, decide in your heart today that you will submit to your parents’ authority, even when it is difficult, even when you don’t totally understand, and even when you don’t agree.

Parents, expect obedience.

You should expect this because it is God’s plan for the family and it is best for your child.

In modern society, many parents do not expect or require obedience from their children anymore.

2 Timothy 3:2 – For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents.

I used to teach in a training center. One mother told her three-year-old child,

“Time to go home. We need to leave now.” The child ran away and screamed. So the mother said, “OK, ten more minutes.” After the time had passed, she told the child again that it was time to go. He refused again. Soon, the mother was begging and pleading for her child to go. The little boy started kicking his mother and throwing blocks at her. So she tried to console the child since he was so upset.

It was a microcosm of many families. Parents plead, beg, and manipulate, often even turning to trickery (putting vegetables under sugar or the like) to get their kids to do what they want. Don’t trick your children into obedience; train them into it.

It is possible to have well-behaved children. You reap what you sow. If you expect well-behaved, kind, and obedient children and train them to be that, then you will have nice children that you and others want to be around.

B. Honor

This applies to everyone who has a parent, whether you are still in the home or out of it. Honor your father and mother.

In Exodus 20:12, the Hebrew word used is kābad (כָּבַד), which literally means to be heavy or to give weight to.

Here, the word is timaō (τιμάω), meaning to value, respect, or revere.

The attitude is important, not just the obedience. It would be possible to obey our parents externally, but do it with hate, coldness, or resentment on the inside. Man looks at the outside, but God looks at the heart.

Troy used to tell the story of a boy who kept standing on his chair during church. His mom kept telling him to sit down. Finally, the boy sat down and glared at her, “I am still standing on the inside.” He was not honoring his mother.

Honor means that you esteem them. You respect them. You give weight to their opinions and advice. You care for them in their old age.

Here is a word of advice from Mary Meng on honoring parents.

“It starts with intentional listening—truly hearing what they have to say with patience. My parents live in another province, but I make it a priority to call them regularly. During our calls, I don’t rush through small talk; I let them share freely about the little things that matter to them: new happenings in the town or with their friends. I pay attention to what they need and help with online shopping. This act of listening is actually also [honoring] their unspoken needs: the need to feel seen, valued, and cared for even from a distance. For me, honoring them means being a reliable listener and helper, even when we can’t be together in person.”

We should also consider the example of Jesus.

The Promise

This is the first commandment with a promise. The promise was that generally, those who honor their parents will live a long and good life.

There was a missionary family who lived near the jungle. One day, they went for a walk through the forest. Suddenly, the father shouted to his son, “Drop to the ground now!” The son didn’t argue or ask why. He didn’t say, “But it’s dirty!” He simply obeyed. What he didn’t know was that a poisonous snake was descending from the tree above his head, ready to strike. If that boy had not been trained in obedience, he might have lived a very short life.

Giving weight to your parents will generally result in a longer and healthier life.

II. Reasonable Parenting (fathers)

Ephesians 6:4 – Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

This instruction applies to both parents, but especially fathers who are given the ultimate responsibility to raise the children in the Lord.

A. Be reasonable

Verse 1 is more famous, but verse 4 is just as important. Parents should make it as easy as possible for children to obey them. They do this by being reasonable.

Here are some ways fathers may be unreasonable and therefore encourage rebellion, followed by ways they should be reasonable and encourage obedience.

NOT Harsh

A friend of mine from the UK told this story about his grandmother.

“My grandmother (born in 1881) and her brothers and sisters could not eat with their parents until they were 12 years old; and when they did join their parents at mealtimes in the dining room, they were not allowed to talk. Her father sat at the head of the table with a riding-whip, and any child that spoke or showed bad table manners would get a lash with it (ah, the good old days)!”

Sadly, harshness is not totally a thing of the past.

Harsh and excessive discipline stirs up rebellion. The father is not supposed to be a dictator, ruthlessly creating burdensome rules for his family to follow.

Harsh words stir up rebellion.

• You always fail.
• You’re a loser.
• Why can’t you be like your brother?

A harsh tone stirs up rebellion. We should not be yelling and screaming at our children. Speak kindly and with respect.

Harshness says “no” just for the sake of it. The harsh father sets unreasonable rules without a good “why.” Perhaps he demands total silence in the house. Perhaps he gets angry when a toddler spills a drink.

Say “yes” when you can.

NOT Indulgent

Many have reacted against harshness in their own past and the pendulum has swung the other way to indulgence. If you give your kids everything they want when they want it, you are actually training them to be entitled and to resist authority.

Indulgent parents don’t have the issue of a dictatorial father. They have the issue of emperor children. The child is on the throne and everyone needs to submit to the child’s authority. This method also fails to raise children who are able to submit to God and other human authorities.

The Boundaries for Teens book puts it like this.

Both are wrong. Always saying “no” to your kids is bad for them and always saying “yes” is also bad for them.

NOT Arbitrary

Imagine how transportation would be if the traffic rules changed every day. Red means stop one day and go the next. Drive on the right one day and left the next. It would be chaos. It would also be extremely annoying and unnerving to try to drive in that situation.

The same is true for kids with arbitrary parents. The rules keep shifting all the time. A child gets grounded for leaving toys out one day and then it is ignored the next. One sibling is punished for something and the other gets off scot free. Parents promise to take their kids out to meet friends and then change their minds at the last minute. Whether a child gets in trouble depends solely on the mood of the parent.

It would be like walking through a minefield.

YES Boundaries

Kids need proper boundaries. Parents should prayerfully and lovingly decide on healthy boundaries. Then they should consistently enforce them.

This provides structure and safety for the children. They know what to expect. They know clearly what is right and wrong and why. They encourage self-control. They prepare children to live in a world that also has rules. And they prepare children to become adults who respect God’s boundaries.

Boundaries also build trust. Our kids will learn to believe us if we do what we say.

What do “yes,” “no,” “probably,” “maybe,” and “maybe not” mean? My kids know if they are asking for something from me what these words mean. “Yes” means there is a virtually 100% chance of the thing happening. “No” means there is a virtually 0% chance of something happening. “Probably” is 80-90% likelihood. “Maybe” is 50-60%. “Probably not” is 10-20%.

YES Love and Serve

Lead by example. Children may be resentful of parents who are like dictators, giving out commands that they don’t follow.

Be a model for them. More is “caught” than “taught.”

Your children are often watching what you do more than what you say.

You tell your kids to apologize when they do something wrong? Model apologizing.

You tell your kids not to be materialistic? Model generously giving to others.

You tell your kids to get off the phone and interact with others? Put down your phone and take a walk outside with them.

YES Reasoned Communication

Communicate with your children in an age-appropriate way. There is a growing up process. A toddler and a teen should not be treated the same way.

Reason and logic will often fly over toddlers’ heads. They first need to learn obedience to authority, even if they don’t understand, just like we need to learn to submit to God’s authority.

“Because I said so” could be a reasonable answer for a toddler, but as your child gets older, you need to tell her the “why” of your boundaries.

Teens need to learn to think and evaluate. You need to prepare them to make wise choices on their own.

As your kids get older, they become more independent. They have their own ideas and opinions. This is healthy and part of the growing-up process.

You should have regular conversations with your kids. Listen to their opinions. Even ask for them. Calmly explain the logic and Biblical background for your decisions. If it is not logical or Biblically grounded, then adjust!

Your communication should not be all negative: “Don’t play on your phone. Go to bed. Clean your room. Empty the trash.” Be careful to criticize them all the time.

Affirm and praise your kids when they do well. Oftentimes, much more can be accomplished through encouragement than scolding.

Application – Ask your children if there is anything you do that makes them exasperated or want to rebel. Ask them what you can do as a parent to improve. Listen to and learn from them. That is the mutual submission we are called to in Ephesians 5:21.

B. Be responsible

1. Participate

Ephesians 6:4 – But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Paul gives this job specifically to fathers. Both parents have a responsibility to raise their children, but fathers have a special role. Perhaps Paul gave this command because for many fathers it is not a natural thing to do. Mothers tend to spend time with and nurture their children naturally. Many fathers do not.

In some cultures, it is common for fathers to leave their children with the mother and withdraw. Some think that providing financially and making major decisions is enough. It is not.

Paul’s command requires your participation in the home.

Many statistics show us that when the father is absent in the home, many risky and criminal behaviors increase in children.

These statistics show us that having basically any kind of father at home is better than having no father at all. How much better is it to have a loving father who believes in and follows God and who is involved in home and family life?

I want to encourage all fathers to physically and mentally engage with our children. This takes initiative. It doesn’t always come naturally.

Sometimes I am tired after a busy day and one of my kids comes and wants to tell me a joke. I can choose how to respond. My flesh wants to say, “Go tell it to your mom.” Perhaps if I am being a “not bad” dad, I can vaguely listen and respond, “That was interesting.” The best choice is to take a couple of minutes and give my child full attention.

Do you participate in your children’s hobbies?

Do you participate in your children’s school?

Do you participate in your children’s discipline?

Do you know what your kids are doing online and on their phones?

Do you communicate with them regularly on a deep level?

The most important way you can participate is to bring them up in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

That is the next point we are going to look at.

2. Discipline

Ephesians 6:4 – But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Parents, especially fathers, you are called to both discipline and instruct your child. Sadly, many fathers in the Bible did not do this and it resulted in disaster. Eli didn’t rebuke his sons and they led the nation astray before being judged by God. David didn’t correct Absalom (1 Kings 1:6) and he rebelled and committed a coup.

Set clear boundaries with clear consequences and lovingly correct your children when necessary.

3. Instruct

Ephesians 6:4 – Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Deuteronomy 6:7 – You shall teach them diligently.

Fathers, you are called to instruct your children. Do not outsource this to others, your wife, a school, a grandparent, the internet, or even the church youth group or Sunday School.

Take up this responsibility. Open the Bible with your families. Talk about it. Instruct them from God’s Word. It will have an impact beyond measure both for their life in this world and for eternity.

This command is not from me. It is a command from God. In this passage, God commands fathers to instruct their children in the Lord. It is not an optional thing if you have time. It is the most serious charge given to fathers in all of the Bible.

Family devotions are a great start. They provide a dedicated and regular time to open God’s Word together. But it doesn’t end there. It is to extend outside of this structured time to daily life situations. A father should walk alongside his children, explaining how to view the world through the lens of Scripture, how to practically apply God’s commands to difficult situations they face at school or on the sports team.

Think about all of the worldly instruction your child gets elsewhere. Statistics show that most children aged 8-18 spend over 7 hours a day on electronics. In the past, schools would instruct children in the Bible and have prayers with them. Now that is illegal in many countries. It is a different world from what you grew up in.

Is the Biblical instruction they get from you enough to offset the worldly instruction they get elsewhere?

Instruct them in many areas, even uncomfortable ones like pornography, sexuality, and modesty. Be courageous.

It takes time. It takes commitment. It takes consistency. But it is absolutely worth it.

3. Rely (on the Lord)

We have seen that parents have an enormous task.

Review

How can we possibly do all of these things? The answer is that we can’t. Not on our own.

Jesus was once asked how a man could do the impossible and he answered, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Your parenting starts with your relationship with God. We need to depend on Him for wisdom, strength, and patience. We need to pray for our children’s hearts. We need to pray for our hearts to be filled with the Holy Spirit so that we can model following Christ and shepherd our kids to do the same.

It is not just try harder or do better. We should, yes.

But Jesus did not leave us to do these things on our own. He sent us the Helper. We need to be in constant prayer for wisdom and strength.

Conclusion

CHILDREN

Perhaps you have been living in resentment, rebellion, or disrespect to your parents… For those who have not accepted their authority. Rebelling against your parents is rebelling against God.

As we pray, confess. Ask God to forgive you for your sin. He is gracious and kind. He will forgive.

This afternoon, go to your parent. Confess. Tell them you haven’t been willing to listen to them. You haven’t been respectful. Ask them for forgiveness and resolve to go forward under your parents’ authority, trusting that God will use them for good in your life.

PARENTS

To the harsh

Perhaps you have been overly harsh. Perhaps your rules, tone, or attitude have not been a good example and have been driving your child away.

To the indulgent

Or perhaps you have been indulgent. The boundaries have been too loose or there haven’t been any. Maybe you just give in even when you know you shouldn’t because you don’t want to fight a battle.

To the arbitrary

Or perhaps you are volatile, changing your mind, opinions, and rules, exploding without warning.

To the missing in action

Or perhaps you haven’t participated in your child’s life enough, instead choosing work, phone, or fun. You haven’t been actively bringing your child up in the instruction of the Lord.

Whichever it is, God is speaking to you today. Confess your failures to Him. You have a Father who models love and forgiveness to you. Ask Him to help you do the same.

Then today, go to your children. Confess your failures to them. Ask for forgiveness. Ask them how you could improve as a parent and how you have been unreasonable in the past. Don’t defend yourself. Listen to their answers.

I hope that Christian parents will be so reasonable that the world will look at us and say, “I want a family like theirs.” And I hope that each of us will have the goal to raise children who will make a difference for Christ.

Reflection Questions

For the Children:

• Why is obedience hard? When is it the hardest?
• Why is it good for you to place yourself under your parents’ authority?
• Do you have a suggestion for your parents?

For the Adults:

• What does an unreasonable parent look like? A reasonable one?
• Which of the following attributes do you need to work on the most (boundaries, love and serve, reasoned communication)? How will you?
• How can you better participate in family life and instructing your children?