Looking for what the Bible says about communication? You're in the right place. This page brings together key Scripture and principles on communication from across many different books of the Bible, along with practical commentary and everyday applications that can transform your life. Because this commentary is excerpted from Study and Obey's verse-by-verse book studies, every verse here has already been interpreted in its full context. As you study God's Word on communication, we encourage you to reflect on how to apply what God is teaching you. Enjoy!

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Confronting Sin and Conflict Directly

Matthew 18:15 — "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother."

Note the context of this situation. It is a sin against you. It does not mean that we are to go to every person who has a different opinion with us. It does not mean that we should attempt to correct every personality that we don't like. It is limited to a sin issue. And we must use the Bible to ascertain what is a sin and what is not. So this should be a clear black and white issue where a person clearly violates a biblical principle in how they deal with us. Perhaps they are rude to us, lie to us, slander us, gossip about us, or unkind to us in some way. This sin has created a division between you and him. So you need to attempt to resolve it and restore the relationship.

Here is a very simple, but very key word: Go. Restoration will not happen naturally. Approaching this person may be the most difficult thing you have ever done. Most of us do not like confrontation. But this verse, tells us there are times when that is what God want s to do. It is not optional. It is not a suggestion. It is commanded to go!

You must take initiative. You must approach this person. You must leave your comfort zone. You must seek them out and find them. You must pursue them. What if they don't respond to your messages? Call! What if they don't respond to your call? Knock on their door! Go to their work to meet them. No, it is not stalking! Stalking is following a person to do them harm. You are simply trying to restore a relationship and help this person turn back to the Lord. If you go through the process and they are not responsive, then you let it go. But first you must make a good faith effort.

Tell him his fault. Don't beat around the bush. Be clear. Use Scripture. If there is any confusion or miscommunication, give ample opportunities to listen to his side. If you don't understand something, ask. If you have any faults, admit it and apologize. Even if you think they are very small.

What should you do if he doesn't respond? Don't give up or stop after step one. Perhaps this person does not respect you. Perhaps he is biased or thinks you are prejudiced. Get one or two people (authorities or leaders if possible) whom are respected who he may be more likely to listen to. At the very least he will know that it is not only your opinion.

If he still won't listen, tell it to the church. Why? Two reasons. Firstly, it encourages that person to repent. It shows him that he is clearly in the wrong and that he is not currently in fellowship with God. Doing this tells him that "no, everything is not ok." It also allows every person to then pray for and encourage this person to repent.

Application — Obey this instruction. It is a way to safeguard the church and our brothers and sisters and us from sin. Do what needs to be done. Say what needs to be said. Do it prayerfully and with the right attitude, but also be bold and stand firmly on the Word. The goal is complete restoration of the sinning brother.

At times we may not know how to approach someone who has sinned against us. We may feel nervous or even scared as to how they will react. Try this role play in your small group:

Person A: You used to have a close relationship with person B. You often talked together and did activities together. But then you made some hurtful jokes about that person. You thought it was funny, but it hurt person B deeply. You felt embarrassed and so you avoided person B. You normally didn't return his phone calls or WhatsApp. You know you're wrong and are willing to confess when person B talks with you.

Person B: You used to have a close relationship with person A. You often talked together and did activities together. But then person A made some hurtful jokes about you. He thought it was funny, but it hurt you deeply. He normally didn't return your phone calls or WhatsApp after that. You decide to meet this person and talk about it face to face.

— From our Bible study on Matthew 18:12-20

Philippians 4:2-3 — "I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life."

This is one of only a few cases where Paul singles out individual believers in his letter. It seems clear that he had heard some news (maybe from Epaphroditus) that Euodia and Syntyche were having issues getting along. For whatever reason, friction or conflict had developed between them and they weren't living in unity. Such kind of factions are so dangerous to a church's well-being that Paul considered it necessary to single them out, exhorting them to resolve the issue before it grew any bigger.

Application — It is all too common for believers to divide and hold grudges against each other. Satan wants to promote disunity. You must be vigilant and work hard to maintain unity. Part of that is being alert to any issues and then dealing with them quickly. Jesus instructed the people that unity was so important they should even leave their gifts at the altar to seek reconciliation. Is there a brother or sister who has an issue against you or vice-versa? Contact them this week to resolve it and restore your relationship before it gets worse.

A true companion is a friend who says what needs to be said to help others grow, even when they may not want to hear it. A true companion comes alongside and spurs his friends to love and do good deeds. Consider how you can encourage your Christian friends to obey the Word. When you do, try to encourage them in specific ways, not just general ways.

— From our Bible study on Philippians 4:1-9

Averting a Civil War Through Careful Communication

Joshua 22:30-31 — "When Phinehas the priest and the chiefs of the congregation, the heads of the families of Israel who were with him, heard the words that the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the people of Manasseh spoke, it was good in their eyes. And Phinehas the son of Eleazar the priest said to the people of Reuben and the people of Gad and the people of Manasseh, 'Today we know that the Lord is in our midst, because you have not committed this breach of faith against the Lord. Now you have delivered the people of Israel from the hand of the Lord.'"

When you read thh full account of Joshua 22, Israel almost had a civil war because of a misunderstanding. Two and a half tribes had built a memorial next to the Jordan river. The Israelites assumed that they were building the altar to "rebel against the Lord" when they were not doing it for that reason. The Israelites saw the altar and they guessed the reason it was built. It seems they thought that the two and half tribes built this altar to establish their own place of worship to the LORD. The tabernacle was supposed to be the center of worship and the center for offerings and sacrifices. When they heard about what had been built they armed for war with plans to attack.

Hundreds of years later the Northern Kingdom of Israel set up their own place of worship in Samaria and the result was that the pure teaching of the Lord became corrupted with sinful practices. It seems that the majority tribes were afraid the minority tribes were abandoning the rest of the nation by splitting off and doing their own thing and establishing their own religion. Indeed this would have been dire.

But they were wrong. They had assumed that this was the reason for the altar when it wasn't. The whole nation mustered to war to deal with this threat, which wasn't even a threat. Their presumption was very dangerous. Not only did it waste the time of the majority tribes, time that could have been spent doing something constructive, but it also threatened an unnecessary civil war.

Application: We must be careful not to presume to know facts which we don't. In Proverbs 13:10 we learn that through presumption comes nothing but strife.

The majority tribes made a judgment about the motivations of the western tribes. They were not given the benefit of the doubt. Neither did they delay judgment until finding out more information. Instead they jumped to conclusions. We see that they believed the worst about the western tribes' motivations, believing that they were rebelling against the Lord. Judging others is a quick way to start arguments and stir up resentment.

Application: We must be careful not to judge others' motivations. We cannot see people's thoughts or their hearts. Therefore it is foolish to pretend that we do. Here are some ways we may tend to judge others' motivations:

• That brother is serving up front because he wants to get recognized.
• He is showing off.
• She is fat because she is lazy.
• She is late because she doesn't value other people's time.

Whenever we claim to know the why of what other people do, we have to be careful that we don't falsely judge their motivations. Since we can't see people's hearts, it is better to leave their motivations in between them and God.

The heart of the majority tribes was in the right place. But the method of dealing with it could be improved. I believe that the best way they could have started the conversation was by asking a question instead of making an accusation. A simple question would have sufficed, "Why did you build this altar?"

Instead of making judgments and tossing around accusations, it would have been wiser to listen and seek to understand. From this passage we can learn a very important lesson about communication. And that is: Seek to understand, not to argue or debate.

In the church there are unfortunately many divisions. Believers disagree on many issues. Some of these might be irreconcilable, but many can be solved. Reconcilable differences are often left to fester because this basic principle is not followed. Many believers are quick to argue with others. They delight in sharing their opinions. Arguments start about many things such as teaching methods, gospel sharing methods, church music, worship, youth programs, Sunday School programs, church finances, missions, etc. Each person is convinced they are right. Each person may appeal to various Scriptures to prove their point.

Points are argued aggressively. Many times the debating parties do not listen at all. While the other person is talking they are instead thinking of how to phrase their next point of contention. It happens not only in the church or fellowship, but also in marriages and families. How many of these problems could be solved if the two sides started off by asking questions and seeking to understand the other side's viewpoint? And even if some of the problems could not be solved, if the two sides did this what difference would it make in their relationship after the conflict? At the very least many relationships could be saved and brothers and sisters would still be friends and better understand each other. So, think about yourself. Are you a person who seeks to argue and debate or who seeks to listen and understand? If you fall into the first group, how will you change?

Not all of the aspects of the communication between the two groups was right. As we have seen, the majority tribes started off with accusations and assumptions. That was the mistake. But the success was that they did talk about the problems. Instead of starting off directly attacking the other tribes, they first sent representatives to talk it through. And after talking it through, they realized that their assumptions were way off. The problem was finally solved without further conflict.

In some cultures, problems are swept under the rug. In fear of breaking the relationship, friends or family members choose to remain silent. As a result, incorrect assumptions live on, slowly fraying at and destroying the relationship. Many other arguments or misunderstandings may have started springing up from this one that wasn't dealt with. Good communication is the best method to deal with problems. But even imperfect communication is generally better than none at all.

Application: Next time you have a conflict with your spouse, don't just ignore it. Don't just retreat on to your side of the bed and shut your mouth and keep silent while replaying all of your hurt feelings in your mind. Take initiative to talk with your spouse. Open your mouth. Speak. Graciously say how you feel. Seek to understand how the other person feels. And solve the problem right then and right there without delay. The same principle holds true for every kind of relationship including parents/children, friends, co-workers, etc.

Do not fight with others for the purpose of fighting. Do not argue with no solution or goal or purpose in mind. Do not attack others out of spite or anger. If you must argue, then be solution oriented. Do not just keep going on and on about how you feel or how upset you are. What is the solution? How can the problem be solved? Is it necessary to make a compromise? What solution would be acceptable to both sides?

In Proverbs 15:1 we learn that a gentle answer turns away wrath. The two and a half tribes could have become very angry. They could have said, "How dare you judge our motives? You don't understand us at all. You are just seeking an excuse to fight with us. If you don't know us any better than that, we will not even tell you why we built this altar!"

A prideful person would have responded in anger and in result escalated the situation to the point of civil war. But these tribes wisely took the humble route. Instead of arguing and getting angry, they graciously explained themselves and put out the fire before it spread.

Application: Are you the kind of person who quickly puts out the fires of conflict? Or does your quick temper fan the flames? Words are important. Once spoken they cannot be put back. Many a war have been started unnecessarily by prideful and haughty words. Many a relationship have been broken by hasty and unkind words which were later regretted, but could not be taken back. We must think before we speak and follow the command of Paul in Romans 12:18 to be a peacemaker. It takes two people to argue so make up your mind you won't be one of the two.

— From our Bible study on Joshua 22

Choosing an Appeal Over a Command

Philemon 1:9-10 — "Yet for love's sake I prefer to appeal to you. I appeal to you for my child, Onesimus, whose father I became in my imprisonment."

Paul was an apostle and had the authority to command Philemon to set Onesimus free and forgive his debts, but he didn't do it that way. Instead, he appealed to him out of love.

Reflect — Why is giving an appeal often more effective than giving a command?

I'll give an example. My six-year-old son receives some money for a birthday gift. I want to teach him about generosity and giving to God. So I just command him to do it. Maybe he doesn't understand why. Or maybe he becomes upset and angry that I am making him give some of his money away. Or perhaps he does it robotically, simply because I told him to.

As his father, I have the authority to tell him what to do. But giving a direct command may not be the best method. A better approach would be to talk with my son about what God has given us and show him some simple commands from God about giving. Then I should appeal to him. If he comes to this decision more or less on his own and gives voluntarily, he will be more blessed by it (and learn more from it) than if I just command him to do it.

Application — The basic point is that if you have authority, you don't always have to use it. The husband is the head over the wife, but that doesn't mean he should go around giving her commands all day, like, "Wash the dishes! Bring me my food! Take care of the baby! Clean the floor!"

Issuing commands should be used only rarely as a last resort. Making gracious requests is generally the better choice. The same is true for many areas, including church leadership.

Have you ever been to a water park with an overzealous whistle-blower? Perhaps he blows his whistle when you splash too hard. I was whistled to and lectured through a loudspeaker once for swimming underwater at a swimming pool (no exaggeration). If an authority blows his whistle for small things, it can desensitize people to the whistle. It is better to save it for emergencies.

Paul chose to make a gracious appeal rather than issue a direct command. That encouraged Philemon to sincerely evaluate Paul's suggestion and make a real and personal decision from his heart.

— From our Bible study on Philemon 1:8-16

Communicating Clearly as a Leader

Acts 15:27 — "We have therefore sent Judas and Silas, who themselves will tell you the same things by word of mouth."

The council decided to write a letter to the Gentiles with their decision. In addition, they appointed two messengers from Jerusalem to go with Paul and Barnabas. These men were to reinforce the written letter with their presence and verbal encouragement.

Troublemakers had gone out from Jerusalem, without authorization of the leaders there, to stir up trouble among the Gentiles. The decision that they made needed to be communicated clearly to the Gentiles so everybody would be on the same page moving forward.

The council understood the importance of good communication. Unauthorized communication from non-representatives had made a mess. Now the leaders in Jerusalem were essentially cleaning up the mess. They needed to clearly communicate the decision made to the Gentile church. This would be an encouragement to the Gentiles as they were welcomed into the body. In addition, it would be a reminder to them to avoid certain practices that might cause disunity and division.

Reflect — What can you learn about good communication from this passage?

The letter contained the simple decision which had been made and a few words. The messengers with the letter would share more. So they combined an objective written record with face-to-face encouragement. Also, they gathered everyone together to deliver the letter so that no one would miss out on the message.

Leadership teams can learn from this the importance of clearly communicating decisions to those they serve.

Reflect — How are your communication skills? In what area do you need to grow?

— From our Bible study on Acts 15:22-41

Nehemiah 2:2-3 — "And the king said to me, 'Why is your face sad, seeing you are not sick? This is nothing but sadness of the heart.' Then I was very much afraid. I said to the king, 'Let the king live forever! Why should not my face be sad, when the city, the place of my fathers' graves, lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?'"

It seems it was against court traditions for officials or nobles to be sad in the presence of the king. The officials' job was to serve the king and make him happy. The king seemingly didn't want to be reminded of the troubles of his people. They were to do their jobs well and leave their problems outside the court.

The king noticed Nehemiah's sadness. He had kept it to himself for quite some time, but on this day (whether intentionally or not) his sadness was visible enough that the king noticed and commented on it.

Notice his response. He wasn't excited about the opportunity to share with the king, or at least that wasn't his primary emotion. He was scared of what the king would do to him for breaking this tradition. Artaxerxes could have certainly fired him. But he could do a lot worse. He could have him executed. Kings at that time didn't require much of a reason to have people killed.

But notice how Nehemiah responded. He was scared, but he didn't let that fear control him. He didn't freeze. He didn't panic. He didn't turn around and run out of the court. Nehemiah didn't apologize and beg for forgiveness or mercy. While he was afraid, he also knew that there was an opportunity here. It was the opportunity he had been praying for and he seized it while he could so that it would not go to waste.

Application — Fear is a natural reaction sometimes. But God doesn't want us to allow our fear to control us. We must move past our fear to do what God wants us to do. What are some things you may be afraid or nervous about that you may need to do anyway?

• Sharing the gospel.
• Changing jobs.
• Making sacrifices for God's kingdom.
• Public preaching, leading a Bible study, discipling others.
• Talking to your parents about the Lord.
• Confronting someone in sin.
• Speaking up against peer pressure or the evils in society.

Nehemiah first responds politely, "Let the king live forever." He lets the king know that even though he is sad, it doesn't mean he is a bad subject. He is not committing rebellion. But he does have a legitimate concern. After telling the king clearly the reasons for his sadness, he then poses the king a question, "Why should my face not be sad?" In other words, he says, "I have a good reason for being sad."

How long will your journey be? Nehemiah was able to quickly give a clear answer. This implies that he had prepared well. He had researched the situation. He knew how long it would take to get there, how long it would take to build the wall, and how long it would take to go back. Trusting in God is not an excuse for a lack of preparation. Instead, it is a reason to prepare all the more because we believe that God will give us a chance to put those plans into action.

Imagine what the result would have been if the king asked him what he wanted and Nehemiah said, "I don't know. I haven't really thought about it yet. Let me get back to you." The result would not have been good. By having a detailed plan ready to go, Nehemiah demonstrated to the king he was competent to be entrusted with this task. He gave confident answers, which in turn made the king confident that he knew what he was doing.

— From our Bible study on Nehemiah 2

Speaking the Truth in Love

John 4:17-18 — "The woman answered him, 'I have no husband.' Jesus said to her, 'You are right in saying, "I have no husband"; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.'"

Clearly, Jesus was kind to this lady. However, that did not equal glossing over her sin. He mentioned her sinful condition, but without condemnation. The world may have a false idea of kindness. They may equate loving someone with approving their actions. But loving someone is not equal to approving of their actions.

Jesus told the woman caught in adultery that He didn't condemn her, but to go her way and sin no more. Zacchaeus was a swindling tax collector looked down on by his own people. But Jesus visited his house. That visit led to Zacchaeus repenting and returning the stolen money plus extra to those he had cheated. Jesus was kind, but did not condone their actions.

Kindness cares about a person's soul. Jesus' kindness to us is with the purpose of bringing us to repentance.

What do you do if your wife makes a terrible-tasting dish for dinner and asks, "How is it?"

It may seem kind to say, "It is wonderful, dear," but it is not. I heard of a man who did this. He went on and on about how wonderful his wife's meatloaf was. For fifty years, she made this meatloaf for him as a special treat. Only after that, she found out he didn't even like it. She was ticked! She had wasted all of that time making this dish he didn't like.

Graciously, find the right time and way to speak the truth.

Ephesians 4:15 — "Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ."

Speak the truth kindly. The result of Jesus' kindness to the woman was that many Samaritans in that town believed in Jesus. His kindness led to repentance.

— From our Bible study on The Fruit of the Spirit is Kindness

Correcting Others, and Admitting What You Don't Know

2 Timothy 2:24-25 — "And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth."

Christian leaders are first of all servants. We are not to lead as the world leads. We are not to lead through intimidation or force. Jesus warned His disciples about not lording it over those under them.

Paul warned Timothy not to be quarrelsome. He wasn't to seek out arguments. He wasn't to value his own opinion too highly. He wasn't supposed to enjoy conflict. Instead, he was to be kind to all. "All" includes those people who did not deserve such kindness. It included those who sinned willfully or in ignorance. It included people who caused trouble for him. It included people who asked annoying questions or who would not listen to him.

At the same time, Paul encouraged him to be patient when wronged. As a ministry leader, he would surely face people who wronged him. He was to patiently forgive them and serve them anyway.

With gentleness correcting the opposition. The goal is that they would repent. The action is correcting (not just letting it go). The attitude is gentleness (not harsh).

Activity — Ask two pairs to give a short skit. One should give an example of harshly correcting the opposition. The other should give an example of gently correcting the opposition. You can either give them the specific situation for their role play or let them come up with it themselves.

— From our Bible study on 2 Timothy 2:20-26

1 Timothy 1:3-4 — "As I urged you when I was going to Macedonia, remain at Ephesus so that you may charge certain persons not to teach any different doctrine, nor to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies, which promote speculations rather than the stewardship from God that is by faith."

Myths, genealogies, and speculations. Paul doesn't mention exactly what these are. For us to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what exactly he was referring to would be the same type of speculation that he tells Timothy and by proxy these men not to engage in. Generally speaking these are topics that are not spiritually beneficial. They may arouse people's curiosity. In the "age of the internet" they may also be very effective click bait, but they don't bring people closer to God. There is no real practical benefit or life change that comes about as a result of discussing these types of topics. Trying to find out the answers to questions that are not in the Bible could fall into this category. Here are a few examples:

• Are there aliens?
• Did God create other humans (or species) on other planets?
• How long did Satan exist before the fall of man? When did the fallen angels rebel in the Genesis timeline?
• Will there be football in heaven?
• How many angels can fit on the point of a pin?
• Where is heaven? Where is hell?

These are a few examples of pointless debates. We cannot know the answer to these questions now. And speculating can lead to arguments and disunity. Even when speculation does not lead to these outcomes, it still is a waste of time.

Application — Before engaging in a debate or trying to find the answer to a question train yourself to ask the question, "What difference does it make?" If finding the answer still has zero impact on your daily life (in other words, there is no application for you to make and nothing for you to obey or change), then it is probably not worth pursuing.

When a person drifts away from application oriented teaching focusing on love and faith, then he becomes entangled in fruitless discussion. These discussions may be filled with many words, but these words are empty and devoid of the Spirit's conviction and life changing power.

Also, one should not talk about what he does not understand.

Application — If you are teaching a study and are asked a question you don't know the answer to, say, "I don't know." Be careful not to make confident assertions about things you don't know. The crowds commented that Jesus spoke with authority. He spoke with authority because He knows everything! However, we do not. So we cannot speak with the same level of authority.

— From our Bible study on 1 Timothy 1:1-11

We hope you enjoyed this Bible study on communication. May God use His Word to speak into your life and give you strength to follow it. Please take some time to reflect on the questions below and consider leaving a comment with your key takeaway or insight.

Reflection Questions

• What did you learn about good communication?
• How are your communication skills? In what area do you need to grow?
• What are some practical ways you can be a better communicator?
• How can you encourage the believers around you?
• What does it mean to speak the truth in love?
• Have you ever been involved in a conflict that was the result of assumptions or poor communication? How could this have been averted
• Why is giving an appeal often more effective than giving a command?
• Is there a person who has an issue with you that you need to reach out to?

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